The One That is Hard to Write

I've been working on this post for a long time. It is difficult for me to correctly say what I want to say and have it be taken the way I want it to be taken. I hope that I have done so correctly. I have not talked to a lot of people about this. I think it is because I fear what people are going to think. But here I go...it's really long. You have to be dedicated to read it.

About a month ago, around the time of my birthday, I had a thought cross my mind. Do I really want to serve a mission? Of course I do. I got my answer, I dropped out of school so that I could earn money for it and everything. I've payed for a passport so that I could leave asap after getting my call if I happened to go foreign. I told everyone that it is what I wanted to do. Then why was I having second thoughts?

When I moved out of my home in August and into Glenwood, it was really hard for me. I had a very hard time adjusting. It was my first time on my own. I was mostly surrounded by complete strangers. I was sleeping in an uncomfortable bed. I was having a hard time becoming friends with the girls at my school. I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable. I felt like my life was not progressing. I wasn't happy. I was stuck in a black hole. So unhappy.

Then President Monsen gave the beautiful mission announcement that young women may serve missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of 19. That meant that I could serve. So after many prayers, fasts, and temple trips, I decided that I was going to prepare to serve a mission for the Lord. That was an anwer that I know I received. I needed to prepare to serve.

In preparation, I decided that I was going to make an effort to study the scriptures in depth daily. I put extra effort into understanding what I was reading and applying it to me. I studied out of the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Preach My Gospel. I was so completely immersed in the Spirit everyday. I felt great.

But then after awhile I started to feel so many negative emotions. It was getting harder and harder to keep myself happy and positve. Every little silly thing would nag at me and make me so unhappy and grumpy. My roommates were beginning to bother me (for no reason at all), I hated going to work, I had no motivation to read my scriptures, I didn't want to go to church, and I just didn't want to do anything.

I began to think about my brother. When I was eating breakfast on my birthday, I was hit with the reality that if I left on a mission, I would not see my brother for another year. That would be 3 years without seeing him. I knew that, but it dawned on me on my birthday just how hard that would be for me. He is my best friend.

Satan was tempting me. In a very creative way. He was targeting me in very effective ways. I talked to my mom about this. She told me how Satan doesn't want me to go on a mission. Why would he? I would be an awesome missionary! She told me to pray for my roommates. Pray to love them as God loves them. Pray to enjoy life. Don't stop praying. She told me that I am a daugher of God. I deserve to be happy.

And so I did. I prayed. And prayed and prayed. And prayed some more. It was very hard at first. There was so much stuff pulling me away from the spirit, but I kept going. Eventually I noticed a change. It was a small change at first. I was able to tolerate everybody. Work was not so bad.

I continued praying. I love my roommates. They are so much fun. They have shown so much love to me. They are constantly serving me. They are always laughing and singing and making our apartment a place full of love and a refuge from the world. Why didn't I see this before? I love it here at Glenwood. I am finally starting to see that. I am enjoying being 'on my own' in the world. I've noticed now that when I go home to Orem, it is just not quite the same. It is definitely still my home, but I don't live there anymore. I like being at my apartment.

And work. Where do I begin? I love work so much. Not a lot of people get to say that who work fast food. I can honestly say with out a doubt in my mind that I love going to work. I work with the most incredible people. I have made some of the best friends here. When I walk in before every shift I am greeted with happy faces and lots of "Hi Katie!!!" 's. It makes me feel so warm and welcome.We can laugh together, be stupid together, and be really angry at stupid customers together. I am able to talk openly with them. In fact they are the only ones who I have talked to about what I am saying right now in this post. That says something about the trust and love that we have. There are not words to say how blessed I feel to know them.

For so long I have felt like I didn't quite belong anywhere. I never really felt like I was a happy person. For too long I let the regrets of my past mistakes take over my thoughts and my life. It was preventing me from enjoying the beautiful things around me. I have a lot of demons inside of me, but they shouldn't be controlling my life.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am finally happy. In preparing for a mission I have found that. I have made the best friends that I have ever had. I finally belong somewhere. I don't know that I have ever been able to say that. I am finally seeing progress in my life! I don't feel stuck. I feel true joy.

Now to get down to the real point of this post. I have decided not to go on a mission. Why? Why have I decided this after this long process of preparing to go and finding out how to be so happy? That makes no sense? Those questions have been in my head for such a long time. Nagging at me. But I think the most impactful thing I have ever done was preparing to serve a mission. That preparation is how I found this happiness.

I talked to my bishop about this. I explained my feelings. While working on my mission papers I wasn't very enthusiastic. He asked me if it was fear. And I can honestly say that it is not fear. I am not afraid to serve a mission. It just does not feel right anymore. He explained to me that it is not a requirement at all. There is no obligation for me to go.

I don't want anyone to think that I am flaky. That is not what I am trying to go for. My life has been pulled and stretched in many many different directions the past few years, and this is just one more stretch.

I feel like I got an answer to prepare to serve a mission because I needed something to push me farther than I have ever been pushed to come closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. Motivation has never been a strong quality of mine. But I was motivated to prepare to serve. I dedicated hours and hours to scripture study, prayer, and just focusing my life on the gospel. My testimony has been icnredibly strengthened. I have read my patriarchal blessing more times in the past month than I have ever read anything in my life.

I needed to take the time to discover what it is I am looking for in life. I've made goals for what I want. I will be going back to school. I will continue to take the time each day to study my scriptures and pray to my Heavenly Father. I will focus on becoming the person I am meant to be. I will magnify my calling to the very best of my ability. I will attend the temple regularly. I will keep my standards high so that I can get married in the temple one day.

I am finally starting to see progress in my life. I am beginning to understand who I am. I feel like I belong somewhere.

Maybe I will serve a mission one day. It could even possibly be next year. But for now it is not what I am meant to do. I know that. I have received a very clear answer. And I am ok with that. I know that there are things right here right now that I need to be doing. And I am very happy. So extremely happy. I have never smiled so much in m life. I have awesome friends. I am a member of the church. I am surrounded by the truth. I am blessed with everything I need, and more. I am so confident in myself. I know I am beautiful. I know my worth. It feels so good.  And I want to share this happiness with everyone I come in contact with. That is my mission. I am still called as a missionary for the Lord. Just in a different way.

I want to close this post with one of my favorite quotes from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

"God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future-to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities."

Here's to life.

High Five for Friday

Well folks, it's Friday again. I feel like these are happening more frequently...But here we go:

[one]
I had an awesome dinner with my cousins on Sunday. I love that we all live so close to be able to hang out and talk with eachotha.

[two]
I've started reading The Host. I only read the prologue, but that is a good start...I'm lost thus far.

[three]
I finally bested my hamper and did my laundry. It was quite the load of laundry, let me tell you. But now I have a closet full of fresh clothes for me to dance in.

[four]
I had fhe with my cousins back at home this week. We had an awesome lesson about setting goals. Read about setting goals in Preach my Gospel, and you will totally understand why this was so awesome. I have great family, extended and all.

[five]
I was able play wii bowling. I failed. But it was fun.

That was my awesome week! Have a great weekend, you deserve it!

Choose Joy

I wanted to share this little quote with you. "Choose Joy." It is a choice to be happy. It is so easy to focus on the negative that is all around us. But it is so much better to choose to see the positive all around. That is my challenge. Choose to see the joy today.

I'm on Drugs

So. I have an unexpected cold. I woke up this morning at 4:48 and could not breathe out of my nose. We all know that when this happens our thoughts are saying, "Why me? I would rather die than suffer the pain and torment that is about to befall me these next couple of days."

The first thing I did when I woke up was take some cold medicine. I'm a DayQuil/NiQuil kind of girl. Whenever I take DayQuil I get very loopy. I always have, always will. I have been losing my mind all day. I've been stuck at home, with my drugs, and my laptop. I drank 3 cans of Dr. Pepper (I know, it's really bad. This never happens, promise)

I am counting down the minutes until my day meds wear off so that I can take my night meds and finally go to bed. Then I will wake up tomorrow and start this living heck all over again.

So if you come in contact with me over the next few days (especially those whom I work with) I will probably seem a little loopy or drugged. Because I am. Enjoy.

Cousin Dinner

Dear people of the world,

I have to say that I have had a pretty darn good Sunday.

I was able to go to a mission farewell of someone who I have always admired so much. He is a little younger than me, but he was in my sunday school class back at home. A few days ago, his father passed away unexpectedly of a heart attack.  Because of this tragic loss, I was not sure he was still going to give his talk on Sunday, and ultimately decide not to go on a mission so that he could stay with his mother during this tender time. But he is still going! He is such an inspiration. The spirit that I felt during his beautiful talk was so incredibly strong. He is letting everything that is happening around him fuel the fire of his testimony. It has been a long time since I've felt the spirit that strongly. Thank you Jared for your testimony.

Once I came back to my apartment I took about a 3 hour nap, and woke up probably looking like I was on drugs. I don't know why I slept so long, but it was kind of nice. Anyways, me and my cousin/roomie were having some of our cousins over for dinner tonight. So we decided to prepare for that. We had me, Rosie, her brother Matt, and our cousins Amelia, and Lydia. Those 4 are the coolest cousins you could ever ask for. We were missing Laurel (Amelia and Lydia's sister) and Josh (my brother) because of missions, but we had an awesome time.

We ate baked bbq chicken with rice, seasoned green beans, cinnamon apples, and no bake cookies for dessert. So yummy. But I think the best part was being able to  have them over and to see how everyone is doing. Matt just returned from a mission and was telling us all about how his dating life is goin. Good on you man. Amelia is preparing to leave on a mission in Spain. Lydia and Rosie are working hard in school. You already know what's going on with me..

Anyway, it was really good to laugh with them. How cool is it that I am so close to my cousins? I think that is pretty cool. We had some good laughs about our memories of each other. The things we remember are so funny...

But that is what happened today. Sorry, this is a really really long post. Thanks for reading. If you skimmed it, thanks for skimming. I'm sure my blog is just blowing your mind.

My Job

So last night I went to see a movie with some of the awesome girls I work with. The movie was really great, but the part I really loved was talking with them afterwards. I love being able to say that I have friends from work. A lot of people don't build relationships like that at work. I just feel really blessed to be able to know them and be close to them.

Whenever I tell people I work at Chick-fil-A they are always like, "oh, fast food. How's that treating you?" Like it is a bad thing. But I love going to work. I love who I work with. We are all able to work together and laugh and joke around. Even when there are certain people who we would like to leave stranded on an island, we still enjoy ourselves.

Just thought i'd share since this is on my mind. Have a good Saturday.

High Five for Friday

So it's been a week since I posted...so it's Friday again! I will write more posts this week, promise. Here we go!

[one]
I got the sweetest email from my brother in the beginning of the week. I've seen a huge amount of growth in him lately. Especially in this past week. He is and always has been my best friend, and it was really good to hear what he had to say to me, and to get advice from him. I am counting down the days til I get to see him again :)

[two]
I got to go shopping this week! I got some new jeans and a shirt from gap. The shirt was an insane deal by the way. And then Bath&BodyWorks was having a buy 2 get one free sale so I got 2 lotions and a body spray. I am feelin good.

[three]
The big spider bite on the back of my knee is finally getting smaller. *cue halleluja chorus*

[four]
Valentines Day was yesterday. It was really fun. I had lots of yummy goodies and such. It was great.

 

[five]
I got to see my family this week. I went home and was able to spend time with my fam. Especially my dog. Love that little rat. That is a picture of my dog acting dead.

 

I hope you all had a great week as well :)

High Five for Friday

I'm starting this new thing to do every Friday called "high five for friday!" I've seen it on some other blogs and i want to do it too! It's where you write about the five best things that happened during my week. It is a way to see the awesome things you've done, and a little way to celebrate that it is Friday. So here I go.

[one]
I was able to be home for the weekend to celebrate an awesome birthday. There's a post all about it if you're curious.

[two]
I went to the dentist and found out that my teeth are perfectly healthy. I would hope so. I work hard for those. I clean those more than my hair!

[three]
I finished Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. For the 4th time I think. I always love reading those books.

[four]
I cleaned my room on Monday. It's not clean anymore, but it was clean!

[five]
I got to work with amazing people this week. I really love those guys.

Birthday.

So I have had a really good birthday today! I enjoyed it so much that I have decided you are all cool enough to hear about it as well.

At 9:00 a.m. my friend from work took me out to breakfast! I told him he needed to surprise me with where we were going. He told me that when I saw where he was taking me I would be asking him if he was serious. He drove to the mall, and was driving towards where we park for work. And I was thinking, 'seriously? You're taking me to chick-fil-a for breakfast?' I was laughing. But then Zach told me he was joking, and we went to Mimi's Cafe.

He got the french toast, and I got a Cinnamon Broche (spelling?...) french toast. I really enjoyed it. It was super sweet, but super delicious. It was so fun to gettig to talk to Zach outside of work, and i'm thankful for the time he took to start my birthday out with a bang.

Later on I played Harry Potter Scene it with my mom and sister. I love that game. Sometimes I disturb myself with how much I know about those dang Harry Potter moives though...

Then we went to Five Guys for dinner!! It beats in 'n out by a landslide.

If you've ever been there, you'll know that they have peanuts you can eat while waiting for your food.

 

We had a peanut that looked kinda like ET. Creepy.

 

 

After snacking our burgers were done!! The greatest moment ever. We got one large fry to share with everyone because they give you a massive amount of fries.

 

 

I got mine as a cheeseburger with mayo, lettuce, grilled onions, grilled shrooms, ketchup, and mustard.

 

 

Worlds largest cup of fries. With amazing fry sauce on the side.

 





After lunch/dinner we crossed the street to the movie theater. We watched the Hobbit again! This was my third time seeing it, and it was still awesome.

And when we came home, I had my birthday cake. My mom made me a chocolate chip cheesecake with an oreo crust. I have to say that it was very yummy.

Doesn't my piece look perfect?

And now i'm finishing off my day by watching Groundhog Day. Classic.