The One That is Hard to Write

I've been working on this post for a long time. It is difficult for me to correctly say what I want to say and have it be taken the way I want it to be taken. I hope that I have done so correctly. I have not talked to a lot of people about this. I think it is because I fear what people are going to think. But here I go...it's really long. You have to be dedicated to read it.

About a month ago, around the time of my birthday, I had a thought cross my mind. Do I really want to serve a mission? Of course I do. I got my answer, I dropped out of school so that I could earn money for it and everything. I've payed for a passport so that I could leave asap after getting my call if I happened to go foreign. I told everyone that it is what I wanted to do. Then why was I having second thoughts?

When I moved out of my home in August and into Glenwood, it was really hard for me. I had a very hard time adjusting. It was my first time on my own. I was mostly surrounded by complete strangers. I was sleeping in an uncomfortable bed. I was having a hard time becoming friends with the girls at my school. I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable. I felt like my life was not progressing. I wasn't happy. I was stuck in a black hole. So unhappy.

Then President Monsen gave the beautiful mission announcement that young women may serve missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of 19. That meant that I could serve. So after many prayers, fasts, and temple trips, I decided that I was going to prepare to serve a mission for the Lord. That was an anwer that I know I received. I needed to prepare to serve.

In preparation, I decided that I was going to make an effort to study the scriptures in depth daily. I put extra effort into understanding what I was reading and applying it to me. I studied out of the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Preach My Gospel. I was so completely immersed in the Spirit everyday. I felt great.

But then after awhile I started to feel so many negative emotions. It was getting harder and harder to keep myself happy and positve. Every little silly thing would nag at me and make me so unhappy and grumpy. My roommates were beginning to bother me (for no reason at all), I hated going to work, I had no motivation to read my scriptures, I didn't want to go to church, and I just didn't want to do anything.

I began to think about my brother. When I was eating breakfast on my birthday, I was hit with the reality that if I left on a mission, I would not see my brother for another year. That would be 3 years without seeing him. I knew that, but it dawned on me on my birthday just how hard that would be for me. He is my best friend.

Satan was tempting me. In a very creative way. He was targeting me in very effective ways. I talked to my mom about this. She told me how Satan doesn't want me to go on a mission. Why would he? I would be an awesome missionary! She told me to pray for my roommates. Pray to love them as God loves them. Pray to enjoy life. Don't stop praying. She told me that I am a daugher of God. I deserve to be happy.

And so I did. I prayed. And prayed and prayed. And prayed some more. It was very hard at first. There was so much stuff pulling me away from the spirit, but I kept going. Eventually I noticed a change. It was a small change at first. I was able to tolerate everybody. Work was not so bad.

I continued praying. I love my roommates. They are so much fun. They have shown so much love to me. They are constantly serving me. They are always laughing and singing and making our apartment a place full of love and a refuge from the world. Why didn't I see this before? I love it here at Glenwood. I am finally starting to see that. I am enjoying being 'on my own' in the world. I've noticed now that when I go home to Orem, it is just not quite the same. It is definitely still my home, but I don't live there anymore. I like being at my apartment.

And work. Where do I begin? I love work so much. Not a lot of people get to say that who work fast food. I can honestly say with out a doubt in my mind that I love going to work. I work with the most incredible people. I have made some of the best friends here. When I walk in before every shift I am greeted with happy faces and lots of "Hi Katie!!!" 's. It makes me feel so warm and welcome.We can laugh together, be stupid together, and be really angry at stupid customers together. I am able to talk openly with them. In fact they are the only ones who I have talked to about what I am saying right now in this post. That says something about the trust and love that we have. There are not words to say how blessed I feel to know them.

For so long I have felt like I didn't quite belong anywhere. I never really felt like I was a happy person. For too long I let the regrets of my past mistakes take over my thoughts and my life. It was preventing me from enjoying the beautiful things around me. I have a lot of demons inside of me, but they shouldn't be controlling my life.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am finally happy. In preparing for a mission I have found that. I have made the best friends that I have ever had. I finally belong somewhere. I don't know that I have ever been able to say that. I am finally seeing progress in my life! I don't feel stuck. I feel true joy.

Now to get down to the real point of this post. I have decided not to go on a mission. Why? Why have I decided this after this long process of preparing to go and finding out how to be so happy? That makes no sense? Those questions have been in my head for such a long time. Nagging at me. But I think the most impactful thing I have ever done was preparing to serve a mission. That preparation is how I found this happiness.

I talked to my bishop about this. I explained my feelings. While working on my mission papers I wasn't very enthusiastic. He asked me if it was fear. And I can honestly say that it is not fear. I am not afraid to serve a mission. It just does not feel right anymore. He explained to me that it is not a requirement at all. There is no obligation for me to go.

I don't want anyone to think that I am flaky. That is not what I am trying to go for. My life has been pulled and stretched in many many different directions the past few years, and this is just one more stretch.

I feel like I got an answer to prepare to serve a mission because I needed something to push me farther than I have ever been pushed to come closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. Motivation has never been a strong quality of mine. But I was motivated to prepare to serve. I dedicated hours and hours to scripture study, prayer, and just focusing my life on the gospel. My testimony has been icnredibly strengthened. I have read my patriarchal blessing more times in the past month than I have ever read anything in my life.

I needed to take the time to discover what it is I am looking for in life. I've made goals for what I want. I will be going back to school. I will continue to take the time each day to study my scriptures and pray to my Heavenly Father. I will focus on becoming the person I am meant to be. I will magnify my calling to the very best of my ability. I will attend the temple regularly. I will keep my standards high so that I can get married in the temple one day.

I am finally starting to see progress in my life. I am beginning to understand who I am. I feel like I belong somewhere.

Maybe I will serve a mission one day. It could even possibly be next year. But for now it is not what I am meant to do. I know that. I have received a very clear answer. And I am ok with that. I know that there are things right here right now that I need to be doing. And I am very happy. So extremely happy. I have never smiled so much in m life. I have awesome friends. I am a member of the church. I am surrounded by the truth. I am blessed with everything I need, and more. I am so confident in myself. I know I am beautiful. I know my worth. It feels so good.  And I want to share this happiness with everyone I come in contact with. That is my mission. I am still called as a missionary for the Lord. Just in a different way.

I want to close this post with one of my favorite quotes from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

"God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future-to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities."

Here's to life.